Bolster Inner Strength with Self-Acceptance

December 8, 2022

By Kate Eckman

When was the last time you asked yourself, “How am I doing?” “What can I do for myself?” “What do I need to feel better?”

We’re all familiar with “to-do” lists and the stress and shame that can come with trying to do all we think we should be doing, while rushing around trying to feel accomplished in our busyness.

We’ve mastered the art of exhausting ourselves in an effort to feel good enough and worthy of a break, happy hour, or vacation—at least I have.

Self-Acceptance Using “To-Be” Lists

Let’s try something different: let’s create “to-be” lists instead.

Everything we desire in life is because of how we think it will make us feel once we have it. Think about how you want to feel in your life. It could be anything from confident to kind, authentic to alive.

Making a “to-be” list involves asking yourself what qualities make you feel your absolute best—not the fantasy version of you, but the real you. The fantasy version of me, for example, is adventurous and loves to try extreme sports, climb huge mountains, and go camping. But the real me craves quiet time at home by myself to rest, recharge, reflect, read, and write.

This is your list, so think about what makes you, not others, feel really happy.

Here is an example of one of my “to-be” lists:

Confident
Courageous
Authentic
Vulnerable
Kind

It has everything to do with how it makes me feel, and the act of writing and later rereading it actually helps me embody these feelings.

For example, if I am feeling angry, I can refer to my list, lean into the qualities I want to embody, and then act the way I want to feel (confident, courageous, authentic, vulnerable, and kind). I end up experiencing just that, and my anger vanishes.

Another way to come up with your “to-be” list is to ask yourself, “What qualities do I need to embody to attract what I desire and deserve in life?”

If we want to attract a loving partner who treats us with respect and is romantic, thoughtful, and funny, then our “to-be” list might include:

Loving
Respectful
Romantic
Thoughtful
Funny

The key is to treat ourselves how we would like to be treated. Loving, accepting, honest, forgiving, nonjudgmental, open, compassionate, peaceful, focused, warm, and friendly are some more feelings that come to mind for me.

To give you some encouragement, here are five proven benefits to creating and sticking to a “to-be” list:

(1) It helps us slow down, center ourselves, and consider the day ahead.

(2) It enables us to set boundaries—to say no to things that will take us farther from the qualities on our list.

For example, imagine this scenario: I feel like I should go to that work event, but I don’t really want to. I’m tired, don’t have any more energy to be “on,” and I desperately need to clean my house and rest. In the past, I may have gone to the event and even had fun, but I would feel depleted, and the feeling of abandoning myself and my needs is not self-care. Today, I am committed to practicing self-care, even if it means disappointing others.

(3) It enables us to create our own reality and choose how we will be, regardless of what our day brings us. So, if I have chosen to be optimistic, I will remain optimistic even when I don’t book the job, or my love interest does not call me back like he promised.

(4) Taking a more intentional approach to life is empowering. It gives us the opportunity to take our time back and therefore be more centered, creative, and in the flow. We get more done by exerting less effort and feel better doing so.

(5) “To-be” lists make us more mindful and self-aware and give us space for quiet consideration to reflect. Peace of mind and a pleasant mood are a top priority, making everything else we do in our lives (even those “boring” to-do lists) more peaceful and pleasant as a result.

Different days will require you to add different qualities to your lists depending on your schedules and how you are feeling spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Feel free to make a “to-be” list every day, being open to whatever arises within you, and change it up based on your schedule or what will suit you best that particular day.

Here’s how to do it:

(1) List five things on your “to-be” list today—five ways you would like to feel. Here are some prompts to help you come up with your list:

What qualities make you feel your absolute best?
What words, concepts, or feelings really excite you right now?
What qualities do you need to embody to attract what you need and deserve in life?

(2) List five to ten experiences that will make you feel this way.

(3) List three things you can do today to generate these feelings.

(4) List the people who can support you in feeling this way.

After you’ve done this initial “to-be” list, I invite you to get into the habit of writing your “to-be” list on a piece of paper or on your phone so you can take it with you and refer to it throughout your day.

Please do not take on any shame or judgment if you don’t stick to your list, forget about it, or need to skip a day. With practice, it will become like second nature, and you will be building a strong spiritual muscle to guide you.

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Kate Eckman is the author of The Full Spirit Workout and a Columbia University-certified executive leadership coach. She leverages her experience as a well-known communications, performance, and mindfulness expert, accomplished entrepreneur, and elite athlete to equip leaders with the tools, methodology, and energetic boost they need to excel. Visit her online at http://www.kateeckman.tv.