By Lair Torrent, LMFT

“The dopamine blast of new love” is the time when the brain is flowing with dopamine and everything your partner does is seemingly faultless and may be put to song. Dopamine is not sustainable in the brain, and when the dopamine runs out, reality often sets in. Couples may start wondering—what went wrong? Have feelings changed? Were mistakes made?

In lieu of the dopamine blast, I present the oxytocin feedback loop. Produced in the hypothalamus and secreted by the pituitary gland, oxytocin is a hormone that plays a vital role in reproduction, initiating contractions before childbirth and the release of breast milk, and early infant/parent attachment. Not only is oxytocin thought to be involved in early bonding between mother and baby, but it has also been implicated in the bonding of romantic partners. In fact, it has been called the “cuddle hormone” or the “love hormone” because it is produced when we connect socially, engage in sexual activity, or snuggle up.

Studies have shown oxytocin boosts feelings of love, contentment, and security, but it may also be responsible for lowering blood pressure and anxiety while promoting feelings of generosity, compassion, empathy, trust, and well-being. In short, oxytocin helps create the “warm and fuzzy feelings” of closeness we experience with a partner.^{1 2 3 4}  

As a mindfulness-based marriage & family therapist, I wondered if there was a way for couples to take advantage of this powerful hormone. If oxytocin is so pivotal to attachment, was there a way for couples to regularly and reliably produce it, especially after the dopamine of new love wore off? 

While lovemaking and cuddling seem like dependable means of producing oxytocin, these methods are not always convenient or available. As it turns out, acts of kindness also boost oxytocin levels in the brain. When partners act kindly, benevolently, and lovingly toward each other or the relationship, love hormone levels increase. This research has far-reaching implications for our practice of choosing one another. 

Choosing is defined as reaching and stretching for your partner. It’s performing acts that say, “I love you.” It’s speaking the language of love and, in essence, investing in the relationship. In two separate studies, researchers found that “participants who felt a strong personal investment in their relationship demonstrated an increase in oxytocin levels.”⁵ This may be due to its influence over the reward pathways of the brain, meaning the more we choose our partners and the more our partners, in turn, choose us, the more we produce brain chemicals that support those “warm and fuzzy” feelings. 

This implies that couples who practice choosing—and intentionally create a loving-kindness feedback loop within their relationship—will experience more love, trust, and intimacy. The trick is to practice regularly. 

Oxytocin levels cannot be effectively maintained by acts of loving kindness on occasion. Regular investment in the partner and relationship can help couples take advantage of the benefits oxytocin offers and help create a lasting bond.⁶

Link Between Mindfulness and Compassionate Relationships

Mindfulness is fundamentally linked to compassion. In fact, research suggests people who practice mindfulness tend to be more compassionate. For many years the actual link between mindfulness and compassion remained somewhat of a mystery. I and others in the field of Eastern thought surmised that mindfulness leads to compassion because it puts us in a position of choice.

The brain is a structure so complex that 95 percent of its operations happen at the subconscious level. It has developed over the centuries to filter and sort literally billions of bits of information in seconds. Mindfulness allows us the ability to hack this complex system. When mindful, we can choose the way we react to our thoughts and feelings, affording us some authority over how we communicate, the words we use, and the tone we employ. Now, the latest research is backing up these assertions with respect to mindfulness and compassion. 

MRI scans show that after just eight short weeks of mindfulness practice, the amygdala—a region of the brain associated with stress, fear, and emotion—actually shrinks, while the prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with higher-order functions such as awareness, concentration, and decision making, thickens. 

Cognitive neuroscientist Adrienne Taren, MD/PhD, says that “mindfulness practice increases one’s ability to recruit higher order, prefrontal cortex regions in order to down-regulate lower-order brain activity.”⁷ 

What this means in layman’s terms is our knee-jerk, emotional responses can be negated through mindful practice and replaced with more compassionate reactions. This is a particularly powerful tool with respect to relationships. When practicing mindfulness, we can respond from our most emotionally intelligent and healthy sides of self.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally bringing attention to the present moment—free of interpretation or judgement. 

Regularly practicing mindfulness can help promote emotional resilience and a balanced response, particularly when navigating difficult experiences. 

According to meditation expert Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, mindfulness is a basic human ability that can be cultivated through exercises like guided breathing and gratitude journaling.

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Lair Torrent is a clinically trained and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a mindfulness-based relationship therapist who has written The Practice of Love: Break Old Patterns, Rebuild Trust, and Create a Connection That Lasts. More information can be found at www.lairtorrent.com.

Well Being Journal adapted the excerpt from The Practice of Love: Break Old Patterns, Rebuild Trust, and Create a Connection That Lasts. Reprinted with permission from Rowman & Littlefield Copyright ©2022 by Lair Torrent.

References

1. “Oxytocin.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/oxytocin
2. “‘Love Hormone’ Is Two-Faced: Oxytocin Strengthens Bad Memories and Can Increase Fear and Anxiety.” ScienceDaily, July 22, 2013. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/07/130722123206.htm.
3. “Oxytocin: The Love Hormone?” Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.
4. “Oxytocin Can Improve Compassion in People with Symptoms of PTSD.” ScienceDaily, March 10, 2016. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/03/160310112400.htm.
5. Grebe, Nicholas M, et al. “Oxytocin and Vulnerable Romantic Relationships.” Hormones and Behavior, March 12, 2017. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0018506X1630157X.
6. “The Science of Kindness.” Cedars. https://www.cedars-sinai.org/blog/science-of-kindness.html.
7. Taren, A A, J D Creswell, and P J Gianaros. “Dispositional Mindfulness Co-Varies with Smaller Amygdala and Caudate Volumes in Community Adults.” PLoS One, May 22, 2013: 8(5): e64574. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0064574. PMID: 23717632; PMCID: PMC3661490.